Fear is a powerful emotion. It's a bitch is what it is. It is such an immobilizing feeling. Debilitating. It stuns you in a way that you didn't even know it affected you so. Fear is like a Boggart in Harry Potter, an unidentified mass that can shift into anything, but unfortunately saying the word ridiculous won't make the fear go away. So what will? There's a coined phrase by Franklin D. Roosevelt, "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself". Let's evaluate that, shall we?
I have two fears. One that would be considered an irrational fear, meaning there is no prominent reason behind this fear other than if I see or hear it I immediately run for the hills. That fear would be mice. Rats. Basically, any rodent, except for Guinea Pigs apparently. side note: Owls too. I'm not scared of them, it's more that they freak me out. It's the expressive eyes and the 270-degree neck turn. It's just creepy.
The second fear, the rational fear is more of a deafening entity. It's a haunting terror that latches on like a leech. That fear is knowing what purpose I serve, but not being able to fulfill it or bring it through fruition and therefore having to settle for what comes. We're told or at least assumed that our existence on this planet is for a reason. For some, its to help others as doctors or through humanitarian work. To entertain as musicians or comedians or just take care of others as parents or caretakers.
As I've mentioned before on this blog, I've always enjoyed writing. I also enjoy watching movies and television, dissecting the scenes and characters. My hope was to work in production, to be part of the writing room in some way or in casting. I've had opportunities in freelance and as an intern in several media productions, but it never went anywhere. As persistent as I am, at some point, I just accepted it's not gonna happen. I can take classes. I can continue working for free or for whatever pay they can afford and wait for the next gig to come my way, but at the end of the day, I have bills and rent. So this dream is just going to have to stop.
Which leads me to settle for works that I literally can give two shits about, but I qualify (over qualify) and see no way out of this rabbit hole. So I settle. I settle because I have responsibilities ( I'm an adult. BOO). I settle because after thousands of rejections and failures it stands to reason to stop taking risks if it means having a healthy mind. Now, these sound like excuses and maybe they are, but that's fear, right? Providing excuses no matter how reasonable or unreasonable they are, its what prevents the individual from overcoming their fear.
I acknowledge that great things could happen for me if I push through the barrier, but I guess its just the matter of acceptance from everyone else. 'Cause that's what we want right? To have people notice our talents. To be seen. If I'm going, to be honest with myself, then my true fear would be that I'm putting work into something that I feel is destined to go nowhere. That no matter how much I try to improve, no difference will be made.
Fear is only as strong as you make, and mine is pretty strong.
Just an introvert sharing her thoughts and interest with the world